I know everyone likes a laugh... check some of these out!
I did not write these, i just pulled them off a website. =)
A bad workman blames his fools … EDIT: tools … stupid keyboard.
If you think good architecture is expensive, try bad architecture.
... Brian Foote and Joseph Yoder
The top ten scariest people you don't want to deal with in their professional capacity:
10. Telephone solicitor
9. Traffic cop
8. SWAT team
5. Hazardous materials disposal team
4. Trauma surgeon
1. Renovation contractor
Homeowner: That's the lousiest construction I've ever seen! Is that because you're ignorant or apathetic?
Contractor: Huh? I don't know what you mean.
Homeowner: Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Contractor: No, but who cares?
Contractor: Mr. Smith, I'm sorry that I couldn't get back to finish the job until today.
Homeowner: I'm Mr. Jones. I bought the house from Mr. Smith six months ago.
Homeowner: I've got to hand it to you. You're the only contractor I've ever hired that's been able to bring religion into my life.
Contractor: Is that because the hand of God guides me and the beauty of my work makes you think of Heaven?
Homeowner: No, I didn't believe in the Devil and Hell until now.
Two carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second carpenter got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
Back when I was working as a roofer, I was supposed to attach some galvanized sheet metal flashing with some long galvanized screws. I asked my foreman to hand me a screwdriver and was surprised when he handed me a hammer.
"No," I said, "I need a screwdriver."
"Here you go," he said, proffering the hammer again.
"No," I protested, "I want that long, skinny thing with the handle at one end and the flat blade at the other."
"Oh!" he said. "You want the screw remover!"
Contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal!
Bid Opening: A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Low Bidder: A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Architect's Estimate: The cost of construction in Heaven.
Project Manager: The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path Method: A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
Delayed Payment: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date: The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, off they went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
Home is where you hang your architect.
... Clare Booth Luce
The government is doing an experiment, so they take an architect and put him in a room with 3 small glass balls on a table. They leave him, come back an hour later and the balls are stacked in a pyramid. They ask him why he did it and he says, "Because I knew it could be done."
Next they take an engineer, put him in the room with the balls. They leave him, come back an hour later and the balls are stacked straight up one on top of each other. They ask why he did it and he says, "Because I knew it could be done."
Then they take a contractor, same thing. Come back an hour later, there's one ball on the table. They ask him what happened and he goes "Umm ... well ... I broke one and the other one is in my lunchbox, I'm taking it home.
One thing you never want to hear an architect say: “Oops!”